Discovery

Who knew that in the country where you can hardly hear this word, it is actually everywhere around.

There is a “thick atmosphere of latent sex” as Emma Dunkan, British journalist, puts it in her book “Breaking the Curfew: Political journey through Pakistan” that I am reading these days.

“There is sex in men’s eyes as they follow women - local as much as foreigners - down the street and the doubles entendres of their conversation”

I found it familiar. Every day on the way to the office I feel those “…male stares that mix curiosity, hostility, misery and lust”. On the street and inside - wherever I go.

…

When I arrived to this country, 2 male colleagues of mine met me in the apartment. One of them was Pakistani, and the other one - a foreigner. First one gave me a welcome hug. Suddenly the other guy screamed: “What are you doing with her?!” I learned that in Pakistan guys do not usually hug girls.

During my first week in Pakistan I got more dinner invitations than during my entire life.

One of them that I accepted with the only intention to get-to-know the company where a guy was working, turned to the car tour around Karachi with the guy telling me how we will happily live together in our small house. Having showed no signal for that sort of discussion, I seriously thought it was a joke. But it was not, and the story followed by the red flowers presented to me by the guy. Accepting the flowers meant that I take our ‘relationship’ very serious and agree to continue it. All this happen within 2 hours.

Another guy found me through a social network and messaged asking how I was doing. Being a polite person, I replied to him, kindly asking back who he was. I also shared my opinion about Pakistan and how I like my experience over here. Not surprisingly, I got an invitation for a coffee to discuss “how our organizations can cooperate” which followed by an invitation to a breakfast in his flat and attempt to do closer hugs when I insist on hand shaking only etc.

When I once complained about it to Mariam. ahe told me not even talk to the guys who message me on social networking sites. Its quite difficult for me though as when someone approaches me, I take it as a normal polite action - to reply. Mariam said local girls never reply to such people, and guys don’t even try approaching them like that. Yet common perception of a foreign girl is “easy”, so guys do not hesitate when they see such a chance.

Some guys prefer actual meetings to internet. Once I went to my favorite Zamzama park. Walking in the circle road I suddenly heard someone calling me “pathan girl!” It was a young guy who looked like a foreigner: white skin and different complexity than a usual Pakistani. He turned to be from the Hunza valley, the North of Pakistan, where people generally have a fair skin, and a student in Karachi university. He seemed like a nice person, so we continued walking together on the jogging road. Next day I realized how silly I was having given him my mobile, as I received the following sms: “I am so bored, come to the park” and a few calls after that which I didn’t pick up. Poor guy, he couldn’t imagine that my house mate Lylee is creative enough to share with him a romantic story about me and my “husband”. These days, when I see him on the jogging road, I prefer changing the direction before he even sees me.

Another guy that I randomly met on the street when my international house mates and I went to Air Force museum, was very nice to show us the way. It was Bogdan who talked to him first, but all his attention after that was focused on - guess who? Unfortunately not Bogdan. While we were walking in the open air museum, I mentioned that I was leaving the country in 2 months. A guy made the saddest expression ever: “Are you leaving me in 2 months?…” I am sorry, what? Who am I leaving in 2 months? We met 1 hour ago and only because you knew the way to a museum! Later on, I kept receiving sms’s like “I feel like meeting you now”. He is a really nice person, by the way. I can see he is kind and modest, and I wish we could keep in touch, maybe he could join us for dinner or another cultural trip in Karachi, who knows. But he really messed it up.

With all these I let alone cases when random men call and message on mobile with texts like “Who are you?”, “Call me back” and so on. Just right now writing this post, I received a text: “Hi Kathaya, sorry for disturbance i want learn english my speaking power is very week . where r u from ? again sory”. I have no idea where this person got my number from. I practiced my Urdu skills on one of those strangers. Main tapr maroongi aur tumhari gardan cut doongi. Theek hai? He never called back again.

The most frustrating experience that I’ve had was at the networking event. The purpose of it was for CEOs of around 100 largest companies in Pakistan to exchange business cards and congratulate their fellow managers who got promote for high positions. As my organization is recognized as elite one over here, Saaim (a colleague of mine), and I got invitations to attend it. Everything was very professional while Saaim and I were introducing ourselves and organization together, until we split in two different directions to increase the coverage and get more contacts. The first men that I met near one of the cocktail table nicely asked me who I am and how I like Pakistan. After that I explained him what I do, and about organization I am working for. As usual, we exchanged business cards. He seemed very interested and then suggested that maybe we can meet up for a evening coffee… to get to know each other, relax, and - of course! - discuss opportunities for cooperation. I politely said I was leaving the country, and unfortunately didn’t have time for such meeting, and had to cancel his calls on my mobile during the next day.

And can you imagine how this usually called?
Friendship. Some of the claims that I hear “Why don’t you come for a breakfast? We are friends right? We should get-to-know each other better!” or “What is the level of our friendship, from 1 to 10?” (on the second day that I’ve known a person). Every second guy over here is looking for such ‘friendship’.

Several times I was so pissed off about all these that I showed my anger to all the male population. In one of those days a guy who had added me on Facebook before, messaged on gtalk. I was not very talkative from the beginning, but still listened to his story and talked a bit about my designation here. He seemed to be a nice person, until the phrase: “sweets I am getting off”. Feeling something behind the words, I fired up: “do not use these with me, ok? Do you usually speak like this with Pakistani women?” I got so angry that went on and on. Maybe he didn’t mean what I thought. But now I barely trust anyone in such matters.

Having said this, not all guys here are the same. For instance, all members of AIESEC behave in a very decent and respective way and I have never experienced anything of that sort with them. I also have friends outside AIESEC whom I trust, and they are really decent people. Besides that, the general attitude of men to me as a women is adorable. I am enjoying my own space in the elavator even there are 5 men around. In other accasions, they also give women go first, open doors, and ready to help if I can’t find the way.

Anyways, by the end of the year I became so modest, than I can hardly give a hug to non-Pakistani guys, even knowing that for them this will not mean as much as for Pakistanis. I prefer keeping a distance and extend my hand to them instead. I do not look in the eyes of men on the streets and cover my head every time I feel it could help me escape from their stairs.

Mariam calls it “cultural experience”. I remember cultural theories and “sexuality” as one of the dimensions, and tend to take it easy now. Let it be so, and I’ve already learned something. Now bas, leave me alone:)